Phwoar! That dangerous, craggy rock face reminds me strongly
of what used to be waiting for me when I returned home from work.
I used to be the kind of person who'd look at this view
and think it was worth the walk getting here.
A love of nature depends quite a lot on your knees.
I'd sooner be at home with the little woman.
You haven't got a little woman.
I know, and HE'S supposed to be working on it.
Don't mind him, he's pining for a wife.
I'll send him mine round. But she'll bring her sister.
I want one of me own.
You couldn't keep the one you had.
I know. I was younger.
I've got more personality now.
THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER
Wait for me!
A-a-argh!
Eh, up!
Howard's bent his ladder.
I think it suits him. I think he goes well with a bent ladder.
I need to get this straightened. It don't look safe to me.
El Lobo doesn't care about safety. No. Ha-ha! He laughs at safety.
What put the kink in your ladder, we can't help wondering?
It was a small industrial accident. Pearl caught you again, did she?
I was climbing out the window, testing it for fire-escape purposes.
Looks like it failed.
She caught me halfway down.
A very nasty place to be caught.
Could I make a suggestion? Wouldn't it be easier to bend Howard to fit the ladder?
You come out to get your ladder repaired, and you get insulted!
Howard, you needn't bring a ladder. We'd insult you, anyway.
I-I don't think I've got any change.
Think?! You don't think?! Have you checked?
I'm pretty certain I've no change.
Check. Don't stand there guessing.
Jacket! Duh!
What's he doing all twisted up, if it's not a personal question?
He claims he's got no change. You're not letting him off, then,
on the grounds of diminished responsibility?!
I am NOT. It's a good cause. You hear such heart-breaking stories,
but I make 'em dig into their pockets, anyway. Oh, well.
There you go. Well, it's a fair cop, and we'll go quietly.
It's easier to give than go through all he's going through.
Oh! Go over there and search - before somebody sends for an ambulance.
He looks worse than Goff Helliwell, and HE'S not expected to last more than a week.
Old Goff? He looked fit enough last time.
Well, I knew a Goff Helliwell. He was fit enough, I promise you!
This one isn't. His wife says he's not expected to see much of next week.
Every little helps. I've no change.
No change?! Go over there with him and search through your pockets.
You're looking all thoughtful, philosophical even.
What are you thinking about? Steak-and-kidney pie.
Oh! Philosophical as that.
I could just fancy a nice steak-and-kidney pie, cooked by caring hands, you know?
As a change from your missus. Don't you think she cares?
Yeah, I think she cares. She's just dead duff at steak and kidney.
Look at that. That's terrible parking.
Not for HER. That's not bad for HER. I've known her park INSIDE the shop.
Is that your mother-in-law's car parked down there? Where?
The one with the rear end out in the road. Yeah.
Do us a favour. Go and ask her to park it properly.
I daren't tell my mother-in-law to do anything!
I'd have to be kamikaze. Sorry, you'll have to tell her yourselves.
We daren't tell her either. No. Last time, she was very critical about men in general.
Well, she IS. Yeah. And, particularly, those in uniform.
You can get some nasty wounds from old ladies.
If you think her parking's bad, you should see her driving.
Oh, we try not to look.
Of all the unsolved questions of the universe,
what really intrigues me is - what does Howard need with a ladder?
When you're his size, you're bound to need a ladder.
Howard needs a ladder to fasten his boots.
I don't like it. It's sinister.
What's sinister about a ladder?
In the wrong hands, it's sinister. Oh, I admit they CAN be lethal.
No, he's up to something, and sooner or later, it's going to involve ME.
I once saw three people killed on a ladder.
Well, when I say "killed", er... Actually, one of 'em hurt his foot.
There's a bit of a difference there. That much exaggeration's a bit ripe, even for ME.
You have to open with dramatic effect.
Who'd be interested in a ladder story about some muffin who hurt his foot?
It's the storyteller's art. You learn it in the witness box.
It's one thing living next door to a maniac -
now it's a maniac with a ladder.
Goff Helliwell is going to die next Tuesday.
What time? Are tha sure he's not just hurt his foot?
Where did you gather this rubbish?
He picked it up whilst he was being mugged by Nora Batty.
She collects all your loose change. It's for charity.
Nora Batty?! Huh! That's only an inch short of armed robbery.
Half an inch.
CLUNK!
We're going to have to tell her ourselves.
Go and tell her she's badly parked. YOU go.
How can you be afraid of old ladies? I'm not afraid of old ladies.
Just THAT one.
Mrs Pegden, y-your car's parked down there,
fairly neatly, but, unfortunately, mostly on the pavement.
Oh, I'm not just a driver, you know. I'm a pedestrian.
And as a pedestrian, I'm entitled to the pavement.
Go on! You know where the car's parked.
To absent friends. After next Tuesday, to old Goff Helliwell, then.
He looked fine when I saw him last week. He's just a lad.
How old is he? 78.
He was just within our recruiting age for t'Greenwood.
You see, cut down in his prime.
I always thought Goff Helliwell was too awkward to die. I felt sure he'd make some other arrangement.
He's dying on Tuesday because they told him he wouldn't last past Monday.
Well, he was a terrible bloke to persuade. You couldn't tell Goff anything.
He wouldn't admit that World War Two was over until 1960.
Huh! He gets an idea in his head, and you can't shift it with reason, logic or dynamite.
He's been all those years with Mrs Helliwell.
Shows you how stubborn he is.
Put up with THAT sooner than admit his mistake.
He liked the ladies in his day.
Do you think we ought to pay our respects? He's not dead yet.
We could do it while he's still with us. He might appreciate that.
Oh, he's never appreciated anything before. But that's just his way.
That's right. He's what you could call... Awkward. Exactly.
We ought to take him a bit of something.
What do you take a dying man? He's not going to want a gift voucher.
Let's take him a drink. If he's not up to it, we'll drink it to him.
We'll have to smuggle it past Mrs Helliwell.
I hate visiting the sick. I never know what to say.
Ask him what he's going to do with his collection of cigarette cards.
It doesn't matter. By being there you show sympathy.
We could have shown it without a tie. You look smart for a change.
He'll think that's suspicious.
Well, we've got to make it clear to him that if HE'S prepared to get well, then WE'LL get scruffy again.
I wonder what he's dying of. We'll ask him. Suppose his memory's gone.
Somebody must know. He can't have kept it to himself.
I was once at somebody's sick bed when they actually died.
I knew I'd been very boring, but I didn't think I was all that bad.
Thanks for coming.
Florrie.
I only saw him last week.
I know. He was fine last week.
Is he allowed visitors? Oh, aye. He'll want to see you.
Florrie, Florrie...
what's wrong with him?
Nothing. How do you mean, nothing? What's he dying of?
Stubbornness. You know how he is.
He's made his mind up. He's going to die next Tuesday.
Well, yes, we DO know. We...we know how stubborn he is.
If he's made his mind up, he probably will.
CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO
Lads! Make theeselves comfortable. RADIO OFF
What's this about dying next Tuesday?
Tuesday. That's it. Finished.
Aren't you supposed to be ill first, or something?
Oh, bother that. That gets messy and inconvenient.
Tha can't just die, just like that.
Who says, clever beggar? Just thee wait. Tuesday it is.
Oh, stop sniffling, Florrie, I've left thee well-provided for.
Women! If they're not shouting at you, they're weeping.
Why Tuesday?
She does shepherd's pie on Monday. I'm not missing that.
You're not going to do anything... SILLY on Tuesday, are you, Goff?
I'm going to die. Some people might think that's silly.
Well, it's never going to be popular.
How are you going to do it?
Will power. They said I'd never pass me driving test, but I showed 'em, didn't I?
After 33 times.
I had these clever-dick instructors.
There's only one thing you can do with that sort - that's ignore 'em.
If it takes thee that long to die, tha'll outlive us all.
This one I'll do in one. You know me when I've made me mind up.
We brought you a drink.
Good. It's a beggar when you have to be dying before somebody brings a drink.
There's no need to go that far.
Is that a Bible? Aye.
I thought I'd better straighten meself out a bit. Before Tuesday?
I've a fair bit to do.
DOOR SHUTS I hope that's you, Barry. There shouldn't be anyone else with a key.
It's only me. Barry! Why have you left work?
I've just heard Mr Helliwell's not expected to live much longer.
I'll have to pay me last respects.
Do we know a Mr Helliwell? He was me father's friend.
What's he dying of? They didn't say.
Barry, suppose it's contagious? I'll have to go, love.
Can't you just write? Glenda, he's me godfather.
Barry, you never told me you were linked to the Godfather.
He's not THE Godfather,
he's just A godfather. Oh, Barry, are you sure?
Well, yeah, course. Like I said, he was a friend of me father's. They weren't in olive oil together?
You KNEW my father. He was a salesman. He used to travel a lot.
Doing what, Barry? Removing Mr Helliwell's enemies?
He'll probably do it -
if he's made up his mind. You know what he's like. Crackers.
I always think that helps.
People CAN do it when they make up their mind. Well, look at old Thorneycroft.
He was 102.
Ah, yes, but that's how he was.
It took him a long time to make his mind up. Goff looks fitter than me.
You'd better be careful, then, if he asks you what YOU'RE doing next Tuesday.
Why is he so determined on TUESDAY?
It's his darts night. He never got over being dropped from the team.
He was never there. He was always retaking his driving test.
Who was teaching him, Edie Pegden?
Somebody ought to remind him of the finer things of life.
Sunsets, birdsong, double top. He used to like the ladies.
He passed that test first time. Well, maybe THAT could be the cure.
Maybe he ought to be reminded of THAT. Reminded? In what way?
Excuse me, Cleggy. I know you hate me bursting in,
but... Always a pleasure, Howard. It is? Of course it is.
Now, who do we know who might have access to a lady
who might put the spark back into Goff Helliwell? What lady?
How big a spark? Just to see him past Tuesday.
Needs someone who can pull him back from the grave.
Then what? Somebody potent enough to push him straight back in, if he's not careful.
She could do it, Howard.
Why should you think I know any lady?
What do you keep turning round for? I think someone's following you.
Well, why would they be following ME? I was wondering about that.
But you don't like to ask. Can't you push this thing a bit faster?
Uh, uh.
Mrs Batty.
Collecting for a good cause. If you don't mind me saying so, Mrs Batty,
you remind me of Florence Nightingale - angel of mercy.
Oh, he's got the same golden tongue as his father.
Lady of the Lamp.
It's a collecting tin.
You can see how he always spots these things, my assistant here. Uh-h!
We've got to go, Mrs Batty. There'll be a man coming round the corner any minute. Nasty character.
Never gives to charity. Don't waste time persuading him to part with his money.
It's not a waste. It's a challenge.
Never gives to charity? We'll see about that.
I'm sorry, I can't stop just now, madam.
Are we going to keep dancing, or are you going to put something in?
Are you sure this is necessary, Howard?
It's wonderful cover. Nobody'll ever look twice.
I think it's the best I've ever thought of. Well, if you say so.
You're the master planner, or so I keep hearing,
mainly from you.
We can go wherever we like with this. No-one's ever going to question us.
It's all perfectly innocent. There goes another day off.
Hello, hello, hello?
Giving your love life a lick of undercoat, Howard?
You've gone quite white, Howard.
Did you know there was a lady at the end of your ladder?
Excuse me, but we've got to go.
We promised to paint an old lady's fence. It was her one last wish.
Oh, come off it, Howard. Look, we need to borrow Marina for a while.
I must warn you, I'm only available for the next 24 hours.
Cheer up, Howard. It's for a good cause. If old Goff gets over this, he'll be fit for anything.
We need her to restore the magic to a weary spirit.
And anything goes - as long as she doesn't beat him at darts.
Oh, well, if it's restoring magic, how can a young lady refuse?
Look, couldn't you just increase his medication?
We'll have to when SHE'S finished with him.
Bring your ladder, Howard. She'll have to go in through the window. Heavens! A bedroom scene.
He's leaving you well-provided for? He's been very thoughtful.
I hope you've got it in writing. And a copy for his solicitor.
Ooh, let's not go all sentimental!
You always let your heart rule your head.
I don't know why you think I was so bad. I was always saved from something serious by my giggle.
Yes. That always helps(!)
I was never one for giggling. We've noticed(!)
How did you keep a straight face on your honeymoon?
I kept thinking how much it was costing.
We never had one. Goff wanted a part for his motorbike.
Ooh, how romantic(!) I'm glad I never met your husband.
And she didn't miss many.
Oh, Edie! Don't believe everything you hear from Mrs Medhirst.
She's not an unbiased witness.
I didn't know he belonged to HER.
He said he was from Bolton.
There's some who would be very careful about going with anybody from Bolton.
He may not be romantic, but at least he's left you provided for.
He's not gone yet. What makes everybody think he's going to?
He's got his mind set on it. It's no good arguing with him. He only gets mad.
Well, he'll only be mad till Tuesday, won't he?
DOORBELL RINGS They're coming in droves.
He's never been so popular. Ye-es. Dying puts a gloss on 'em they've never had in health.
You can say that again.
She let him become too undisciplined.
If she'd had him under control, he wouldn't be dying on Tuesday.
Maybe there's another woman. Maybe he's found love at last.
You're still as daft as a brush, our Roz.
I know. It's the only thing that keeps you going.
Again?
Are we only allowed one visit? Should we come back on Wednesday?
It's just that he's easier to chat to at the moment. You'd better come in.
I wish you weren't going to see the Godfather, Barry.
I keep telling you, he's not THE Godfather. He's just A godfather.
Have you seen the repo man? Repo man? He's after Tom.
It's a mistake. He thinks I've got money. You're all dressed up. We're off to see the Godfather.
Only to say goodbye. I'm not working for him.
Suppose he makes an offer you can't refuse? She won't be told.
The Godfather.
What are you grinning at?
Hey! Don't open that. I'll be in a draught. Tha's nesh for somebody who's going to die next Tuesday.
I'd like to die comfy, thank you very much. Just before EastEnders.
When the spirit is at its lowest ebb. Good thinking, Goff.
You won't be dying. THIS is going to put a spark back into your life.
Spark? She's more like third-degree burns.
Who is? Unless, of course, it makes dying seem even more attractive.
Did you think we came here empty-handed? Mmm?
Goff, you are about to be rushed into Intensive Care.
I don't like you going into strange bedrooms.
You know I'd never dream of it, unless it was a work of charity.
Intensive Care? Oh, and then some! This is better than a bunch of grapes.
I hope he knows what to do with the pips. Goff, cast your eyes on that.
It's the sort of thing tha used to like.
Howard?!
No, not Howard!
Where is she? She's just attending to her hair. I want you to know, I don't approve of this.
Get her up the ladder. There's a dying man here.
Mr Helliwell was a friend of my father's.
He's the last person to be involved in anything improper.
Home, Barry, now!
But I didn't have... Now!
Mr Simmonite?
Who wants to know?
Roz?
It is. It's Roz!
Oh!
Oh, I'd no idea it was THAT Mr Helliwell.
Roz! Oh, be bothered about dying, Florrie. I don't know why you let me talk meself into it.
Get inside!
All right. So, tell me, what are you doing carrying our ladder out here?
Some people carry Swiss Army pocket knives.
Oh, come on!
By heck, what a recovery, though. You worked your magic there, love.
Do you think so? Leapt out of bed, didn't he?
Going the other way. Funny!
Never had a good sense of direction.
It took him 33 times to get his licence. Heavens!
I could have been there ages. You gave him back his vigour.
I did. What a pity I never got to see his cigarette cards.
What do you collect, Norman?
Terrible rashes. I'm highly contagious.
That is of no consequence to an angel of mercy.
We must find something for your spots.
He sort of stopped believing you when he saw you'd cut your finger. You didn't tell me it was sharp.
It was a razor. That might have been a clue. Ooh...